"A" Cup Girl's Confession

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I always want to understand the desperate moment for heart attack. If at this moment, the pain I am feeling in my heart couldn't be put into comparison with the strength of heart attack, I even wish I could just have one. Over the struggling sober mind, when I still have the ability to think, painfully.

I will get on another plane in 7 hours, somehow I doubt this is the main reason for my floating mood tonight. Isn't it what I want? Pack some shining useless crap in my travel bag, with IPOD, Laptop, pick up a line and get on a plane. Every place I want to go has a friend or some friends waiting for me. Their excitment, hospitality, warm welcome and trust made me feel so strong that I want to settle down in that place. Look at each group in each city, why can they, at the same young age, feel the capability to settle down in a place. Why can they find a real relationship, a person who they can run to when they got frustrated outside, a group of friends where they can laugh with, cry with and share the beauty of every one drop of time in our life. I admire them, I even want to be them, only when the unstable soul inside calls on another attempt to move on.

When I was 20, I already felt fearful for the extremely limited length of life. It amazed me how can many people around have the luxury to chill and hang out all the time. I understand the strong family support might contribute to their leisure life style. However I always ask myself a question, if all I did was to consume every privilege older generations left me, what can I do for my children? Brag about how powerful their grand parents were and let them witness the shallowness of their own parents? That is one word --pathetic.

So, I chose to be on the road as much as I can. Enjoy the beauty and diversity of the world, let them fill the depth of my former hallow soul. I gradually found the power within, that I indeed could do something to change some part of this world. Maybe just to help a devasted heart stop bleeding, smile to a frown face to make her realize how beautiful her smile is, lend out 3 hours of my time listen to a moving story from a true feeling, reward myself 10 minutes just walk in the streets, no talking, no puzzling, no thinking, just enjoy the slight bleezing of leaves and some breaths nearby. Many things would be very much changed.

TVM introduced his philosophy in Body & Soul in the last class in comperative democracy class. Take a very close look at his students, I wasn't surprised to find each body was with a soul that making every effort to explore each other's. Those who only care about a grade will never choose his class, those who felt repulsed by his intimidating lecture and Socrates' questioning style would never choose his class, those who always say " I don't care" in their lives would never choose his class. With a soul, you do care. It will be such a luxury moment or chance for one to say " I don't care " in our world because everything is just so marvelous and amazing.

Don't you feel fascinated by the scene in Malibu or Los Cabos? Don't you feel tearful when looking at those graduates' jumping around and laughing with each other? Don't you feel blessed by those angle-look kids running around you and looking at you with their pure innocent eyes? Don't you feel the wonder of life when a loving one hug you into his arms, watch you intently from their heart and kiss you so powerful that all minds go off without any conscious. All these can only be appreciated by something called Soul.

I never asked the professor what is a soul. Everyone would take it the most humiliating comment on them if people say they do not have a soul. But who can genuinely give a definition of "Soul". The complexity of the idea itself deserves a life-long exploration. In mine, the threshold for with a soul is the capability to feel the pain.

The opposite of Love is not hatred, it's indifference. If we still can feel the pain when thinking of someone, of something, that means we still care. I've clearly known how cruel and harsh it was to feel indifferent for others. Even one more blunt look was considered a waste and degrade of my dignity. One being indifferent for his/her life means he/she is indeed dead, only with a walking flesh.

I felt a huge pain today, without knowing the exact reason. For a person? For a tangling thing? For a wandering feeling? I do not know and not aim to figure out.

In the end, I feel burdenly relieved that I truly still can feel like this again.