"A" Cup Girl's Confession

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Even have heard the beauty of Vanderbilt thousands of times from him, it is very amazing to be positioned here. With the embracing of southern sunshine, breathe of the grass, the old-fashioned but never boring buildings, I felt a moment what I finally call peaceful. Sitting at the corner of the top floor in The Jean and Alexander Heard library, I was blessed by the surrounding of long-live wisdom and souls.

Stack by stack, I was looking for his book. When I finally approached to the call number, only found the position was empty. That sudden I felt a hit of jealous. Someone was intrigued by this person's ideas too, at present. My plan was interrupted. I thought with this good weather, while I picked a perfect seat on the top floor where I can enjoy the cozy of the wooden chair, he knows I love cozy. Sipping the cappacino, and read his mind, though I do doubt with the shallow level of my intellect, I couldn't comprehend.

"I could write this book only because of the love and support. She is my wife, my friend, and (more often than she knows) my guide." My tears went down. Just as these days, mood suddenly went to the trough, tears just dropping without any prediction. Where did those tears come from? Isn't it a beautiful sentence that expressed a grateful mind? " As I entered a crucial phase of my writing Elisabeth entered the world-- my world--full of demands. She diverted me, she charmed me, and because of her everything looks different."

I recall a time when I stole the key to my mother's locket where I know some secrets are there. I took out her diary and only had time to read the very first sentence "Yiying, I thought of this name before her birth. Artistry and Intelligent, this should be our girl's best gifts. Ying, she's the fruit of our love, my love with him." I only wish I translated her wordings half accurate because from my perspective today, I began to understand the beauty of a young woman's first child-birth. All the excitement, anxiety, prospects, blessings, worried feelings, how possible for someone to write it down with simple words.

For a woman, giving birth, willingly, is an far more important decision than marriage, at least for me. People might choose to get married because of so many reasons. But to nurtrue another life within our body for 10 months and bear the unimaginable pain during the birth is something related to love. I simply reject to believe there can be many men in a woman's life that win her love enough to have children together. There are even fewer men, in my life that made me have all kinds of fantasy to spend time with him, live with him and have children with him. That deserves a marvelous power and long-term electricity between the two bodies and souls, that may take years to testify how far are we willing to go for this love.

I used to choose "avoid" and "escape" to get over things.  But now, i've been revolving. I'd be willing to confront my feelings, confront my past, confront many potential harms that come to me innocently or intentiously. This feels torture, but worthies. I feel the butterflies in my stomache that make me anxious, changeable, smile, frown, even tearful to think of many drops of moments.

I've known I am holding his book, with his name on it. But I am still experiencing a bliss of satisfaction to recognize his words. I think I would've known he wrote it. It is very him.

Let me freeze for a moment: I am coming back, when the world stops spinning, the ocean dries up and you miss me. I am coming back, with a more clear understanding of many things, with the realization of either of those three things. I am coming back.